Are you going to have another?

Are you going to have another?

Can you stop asking me whether we’ll have another child please?

I’m not talking about you, but them. You know the ones I mean. The random people.

Your family and close friends know what you went through to have the child you have. They know about the losses.  They might know about your messed up medical history and psychologically what it takes to make the decision to try again.  They see hand how exhausted you are and how you’re struggling to keep it together. They know better to ask. Or at least they should.

But why do strangers feel it’s okay to ask about your ovaries and your reproductive plans? It infuriates me.  Knowing nothing about you, they role up their sleeves and start rummaging around your metaphorical womb as if they’re looking for a lost sock in their drawers. You’ve one child, if I just keep poking about, I’m bound to find another.

Nooo! There is no second child and if there was, or plans for there to be, I’m certainly not going to be telling someone I’ve barely met.

Two years into parenthood and I’m not entirely sure that we’ve even decided ourselves. It’s more a quiet acceptance that age, biology and timing have probably put pay to that. Throw in a small child who isn’t good with change and it’s not a winning combination.

Many of my mummy friends are now into their second pregnancy or trying for another child, so I guess this is the time that many second kids come along, but I really wish people would stop asking.

Why is there assumption that if you have one child your family is somehow incomplete? I don’t feel incomplete. I don’t feel that there is anything missing. Small Boy is marvellous and more than enough for us.

There’s many reasons I would love a second child – the chattering of little voices down the hall, the bond and comfort they might have later in life, the knowledge that when I’m no longer about, they’ll have each other. But there’s also lots of good reasons to have just one child – we are content, we’re already exhausted, financially we’ll be more secure and give the one we have more.

It’s not a competition. One child, two children, three, four…more… there isn’t a right number. It’s what’s right for your family and in large part just fate… or luck.

So next time you ask someone, can you just stop and think why you’re asking. And think how well you know that person? Perhaps they’ve suffered baby loss, fertility issues, have medical issues, or have just made a choice to not have any more children. And then perhaps you can keep your question to yourself.

 

JakiJellz
The Pramshed
Hot Pink Wellingtons

#ablogginggoodtime

 

Cuddle Fairy
Mummies Waiting
Surrey Mama
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19 Comments

  1. Lucy At Home
    1st March 2018 / 4:07 pm

    Why do people still struggle with this?? It’s so strange that people would ask when there are so many reasons women might not want to have another or might not want to discuss it with a stranger (or anyone).

    And congratulations because someone loved this post so much, they added it to the BlogCrush linky! Feel free to collect your “I’ve been featured” blog badge 🙂 #blogcrush

  2. 28th February 2018 / 12:42 pm

    Exactly! People need to just mind their own business. Thank you for sharing with #StayClassyMama

  3. 26th February 2018 / 6:40 pm

    Completely understand where you’re coming from! As a parent of a near 3 year old, I’m getting looks left right and centre. For us, it’s a financial decision as well as a personal one but as you say – it’s none of anybody else’s business but ours as to if/when we decide to have another child. I feel there’s culturally a rule of ‘having to have 2’… and even then they have to be a girl and a boy – else you obviously have to try for a 3rd… and when you do have a girl and a boy you then get frowned on if you want a third as you’ve already got a ‘perfect’ family. But alas. We can never win. Thanks for linking up to #fortheloveofBLOG x

  4. 25th February 2018 / 7:47 pm

    We had this conversation on Twitter already and you know how I feel. Thank you for writing this post, I hope the more we talk about it, the sooner people will stop asking. Thanks for sharing it with #TriumphantTales. Do come back next week.

    • 26th February 2018 / 6:59 pm

      Lova ya Jaki. Thanks for stopping by. See you at #TriumphantTales this week.

  5. mackenzieglanville
    25th February 2018 / 11:09 am

    Such a good point and I really don’t know why people feel they can ask a personal question like that, it is almost like it is just in people and they do it before they really think about why they asked. When you get a boyfriend it is when will you get married, so you get married and they ask when will you have a baby, one baby then they ask about a second. If they are the same sex it is Are you joining to try for a girl/boy? Then you have 4 and they ask when are you going to stop!!?? Thank you for joining us for #ablogginggoodtime

  6. 23rd February 2018 / 10:15 am

    Totally agree with you. It frustrates me when I get this particular question. My husband and I have decided not to have any more children – in fact he had a vasectomy a year after our second daughter was born. As we have 2 girls, we constantly get the question when are you having a boy. Ridiculous to say the least – I just pretend not to hear the question and don’t answer.#fortheloveofBLOG

    • 26th February 2018 / 7:02 pm

      I might try the “ooh look, I need to go stand over there now and look at that thing” approach.

  7. 22nd February 2018 / 7:26 pm

    It is annoying but I now have seen my bit for hunan productioh so I can say no and they never bother asking again X #stayclassymama

  8. 22nd February 2018 / 6:03 pm

    Oh the great debate!! My husband and I just have one at the moment and she’s just so delightful… we keep wondering if number two could be just as good, or if it would be an opposite experience. You just never know! I never ask people about their family plans. It is none of my business and whatever they choose to do is perfect for them! Thanks for sharing at #TriumphantTales

    • 26th February 2018 / 7:02 pm

      A very wise approach. It never even enters my head to ask people!

  9. 22nd February 2018 / 1:03 pm

    It’s so difficult … You know the questions aren’t meant unkindly, but they’re still hurtful. It really isn’t anyone’s business

  10. 22nd February 2018 / 11:40 am

    Thanks for this, it is well written and well thought out. My wife and I have just had our third baby arrive. She’d love a fourth, I wouldn’t but ultimately the physical and emotional toll of three pregnancies plus a few miscarriages (throw in a motorcycle accident with damage to my undercarriage) and we’ve come to accept that unless we adopt, 3 will be it for us. Still, we hate people asking.

  11. 22nd February 2018 / 11:08 am

    We have three boys and i can not have anymore but people ask us all the time, incudingmums at school who know that the birth of the third meant no more and still ask…. i never ask #stayclassymama

  12. 22nd February 2018 / 9:50 am

    Yes! It’s such a horrible feeling when people ask because it’s not enough just to say “no, not at the moment” – you feel the need to justify yourself. But it’s nobody else’s business! Grrr! #ablogginggoodtime

  13. 21st February 2018 / 10:20 pm

    A question I too always ask myself and debate silently in my head. x #fortheloveofBLOG

  14. 21st February 2018 / 9:18 pm

    I never understand how people feel it is ok yo ask this. My mother would not even ask me this! #fortheloveBLOG

  15. 20th February 2018 / 2:52 pm

    I hear you! It’s so awkward. It’s worse when people follow up with other comments like “well you probably will have one now if you had IVF before because that happened to a friend of mine,” or “I know someone who had a child at 47”. You then have to decide if you want to go down the “well actually this is why it’s unlikely” etc. I hate it. People just need to leave well alone. Then there’s the look you sometimes get that says “weirdo, you must hate children or something.” Urgh.

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